Introducing Demotivators®

MOTIVATION. Psychology tells us that motivation- true, lasting motivation- can only come from within. Common sense tells us it can't be manufactured or productized. So how is it that a multi-billion dollar industry thrives through the sale of motivational commodities and services? Because, in our world of instant gratification, people desperately want to believe that there are simple solutions to complex problems. And when desperation has disposable income, market opportunities abound.

AT DESPAIR, INC., we believe motivational products create unrealistic expectations, raising hopes only to dash them. That's why we created our soul-crushingly depressing Demotivators® designs, so you can skip the delusions that motivational products induce and head straight for the disappointments that follow!

E.L. Kersten, Ph.D.
Founder and COO

ACCOMPLISHMENTS
You can fool all of the people all of the time if your effects budget is large enough.
ACHIEVEMENT
You can do anything you set your mind to when you have vision, determination, and an endless supply of expendable labor.
ACQUISITION
The discovery that you're no longer a big fish in a small pond, or even a small fish in a big pond, but a small fish in a big fish.
ADVERSITY
That which does not kill me postpones the inevitable.
AGONY
Not all pain is gain.
AMBITION
The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly
APATHY
If we don't take care of the customer,maybe they'll stop bugging us.
ARROGANCE
The best leaders inspire by example. When that's not an option, brute intimidation works pretty well, too.
BAILOUTS
From each according to his ability,
to each according to his lack thereof.
BEAUTY
If you're attractive enough on the outside, people will forgive you for being irritating to the core.
BITTERNESS
Never be afraid to share your dreams with the world, because there's nothing the world loves more than the taste of really sweet dreams.
BLAME
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
BLOGGING
Never before have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few.
BURNOUT
Attitudes are contagious. Mine might kill you.
CHALLENGES
I expected times like this - but I never thought they'd be so bad, so long, and so frequent.
CHANGE
When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most trivial of things can become deadly projectiles.
CLUELESSNESS
There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.
COMPROMISE
Let's agree to respect each others views, no matter how wrong yours may be.
CONFORMITY
When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
CONSISTENCY
It's only a virtue if you're not a screwup.
CONSULTING
If you're not a part of the solution, there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem.
CORRUPTION
I want either less corruption or more opportunity to participate in it.
CREATIVITY
Helps artists die young, miserable, and penniless- so their art can have meaning to the old, satisfied, and obscenely rich.
CURIOSITY
Some Places Remain Unknown Because No One Has Ventured Forth. Others Remain So Because No One Has Ever Come Back.
CUSTOMER DISSERVICE
Because we're not satisfied until you're not satisfied.
CUSTOMER CARE
If we really care for the customer we'd send them somewhere better.
DARE TO SLACK
When birds fly in the right formation, they need only exert half the effort. Even in nature, teamwork results in collective laziness.
DEFEAT
For every winner, there are dozens of losers. Odds are you're one of them.
DELUSIONS
There is no greater joy than soaring high on the wings of your dreams, except maybe the joy of watching a dreamer who has nowhere to land but in the ocean of reality.
DEMOTIVATION
Sometimes the best solution to morale problems is just to fire all of the unhappy people.
DESPAIR
It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
DESTINY
You were meant for me. Perhaps as a punishment.
DISCOVERY
A company that will go to the ends of the Earth for its people will find it can hire them for about 10% of the cost of Americans.
DISLOYALTY
There comes a time when every team must learn to make individual sacrifices.
DISSERVICE
It takes months to find a customer, but only seconds to lose one... the good news is that we should run out of them in no time.
DO IT LATER
The early worm is for the birds.
DOUBT
In the battle between you and the world, bet on the world.
DREAMS
Dreams are like rainbows. Only idiots chase them.
DYSFUNCTION
The only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you.
ECONOMICS
The science of explaining tomorrow why the predictions you made yesterday didn't come true today.
EFFORT
Hard work never killed anybody, but it is illegal in some places.
ELITISM
It's lonely at the top, but it's comforting to look down upon everyone at the bottom.
FAILURE
When your best just isn't good enough.
FEAR
Until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore, you will not know the terror of being forever lost at sea
FLATTERY
If you want to get to the top, prepare to kiss a lot of the bottom.
FUTILITY
You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take, and, statistically speaking, 99% of the shots you do.
GET TO WORK
You aren't being paid to believe in the power of your dreams.
GIVE UP
At some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser.
GOALS
It's best to avoid standing directly between a competitive jerk and his goals.
GOVERNMENT
If you think the problems we create are bad, just wait until you see our solutions.
HAZARDS
There is an island of opportunity in the middle of every difficulty. Miss that, though, and you're pretty much doomed.
HOPE
May not be warranted at this point.
HUMILIATION
The harder you try, the dumber you look.
IDIOCY
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
IGNORANCE
It's amazing how much easier it is for a team to work together when no one has any idea where they're going.
INCOMPETENCE
When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there's no end to what you can't do.
INDECISION
The mark of the leader is the ability to make decisions. The mark of the survivor is knowing when not to.
INDIFFERENCE
It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn't take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face.
INDIVIDUALITY
Always remember that you are unique. Just like everybody else.
INEPTITUDE
If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.
INNOVATION
If it can make your job easier, it can probably make it irrelevant.
INSANITY
It's difficult to comprehend how insane some people can be. Especially when you're insane.
INSIGHT
When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
The smart left a long time ago.
INSPIRATION
Genius is 1 percent inspiration and 99% perspiration, which is why engineers sometimes smell really bad.
INTIMIDATION
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent, but you'd be a fool to withhold that from your superiors.
IRRESPONSIBILITY
No single raindrop believes it is to blame for the flood.
LAZINESS
Success is a journey, not a destination. So stop running.
LEADERS
Leaders are like eagles. We don't have either of them here.
LEGACY
It took millions of years to create something this extraordinary.
You have about seventy-four.
LIBERTY
The price of freedom keeps going up,
but the quality keeps deteriorating.
LIMITATIONS
Until you spread your wings, you'll have no idea how far you can walk.
LONELINESS
If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you're not alone. And yet you are alone. So very alone.
LOSING
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
MADNESS
Madness does not always howl. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "Hey, is there room in your head for one more?"
MARKETING
Because making it look good now is more important than providing adequate support later.
MEDIOCRITY
It takes a lot less time and most people won't notice the difference until it's too late.
MEETINGS
None of us is as dumb as all of us.
MISFORTUNE
While good fortune often eludes you, this kind never misses.
MISTAKES
It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.
MOTIVATION
If a pretty poster and a cute saying are all it takes to motivate you, you probably have a very easy job. The kind robots will be doing soon.
NEPOTISM
We promote family values here - almost as often as we promote family members.
OPPORTUNITY
I am Dr. Adewole Aremu- a director with the Union Bank of Nigeria in Lagos - and I wish to speak to you most urgently about a matter regarding the sum of $39,000,000 US Dollars...
OVERCONFIDENCE
Before you attempt to beat the odds, be sure you could survive the odds beating you.
PERSEVERANCE
The courage to ignore the obvious wisdom of turning back.
PERSISTENCE
It's over, man. Let her go.
PERSPECTIVE
Less is more. Unless you're standing next to the one with more.
Then less just looks pathetic.
PESSIMISM
Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but lightning kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it.
PLANNING
Much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress.
POSSIBILITIES
With focus, dedication and steroids, men can achieve impossible dreams. Like breaking a world record. Or growing their own breasts.
POTENTIAL
Not everyone gets to be an astronaut when they grow up.
POWER
Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. But it rocks absolutely, too.
PRESSURE
It can turn a lump of coal into a flawless diamond, or an average person into a perfect basketcase.
PRETENSION
The downside of being better than everyone else is that people tend to assume you're pretentious.
PRIORITIES
Hundreds of years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove... But the world may be different because I did something so bafflingly crazy that my ruins become a tourist attraction.
PROBLEMS
No matter how great and destructive your problems may seem now, remember, you've probably only seen the tip of them
PROCRASTINATION
Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now.
PROPAGANDA
What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies right to our faces.
QUALITY
The race for quality has no finish line- so technically, it's more like a death march.
RECOVERY
Time heals all wounds. But it usually leaves a pretty big scar.
REGRET
It hurts to admit when you make mistakes - but when they're big enough, the pain only lasts a second
RETIREMENT
Because you've given so much of yourself to the company that you don't have anything left we can use.
RISKS
If you never try anything new, you'll miss out on many of life's great disappointments.
ROMANCE
Love is in the air. And it's pooping on my head.
SACRIFICE
Your role may be thankless, but if you're willing to give it your all, you just might bring success to those who outlast you.
SACRIFICE
All we ask here is that you give us your heart.
SANITY
Minds are like parachutes. Just because you've lost yours doesn't mean you can borrow mine.
THE SECRET OF SUCCESS
What is The Secret? Pretend you've already achieved it- Then offer to sell The Secret to others.
SELF-ESTEEM
Just because you think you're a star doesn't mean you're going anywhere.
SERVICE
View all customers as beautiful buds that must be cultivated, watered, and periodically buried under manure.
STRIFE
As long as we have each other, we'll never run out of problems.
STUPIDITY
Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those who never win AND never quit are idiots.
SUCCESS
Some people dream of success, while other people live to crush those dreams.
SURVIVAL
The less you stand out, the longer you'll last.
TEAMWORK
A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction.
TRADITION
Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid.
TROUBLE
Luck can't last a lifetime unless you die young.
UNDERACHIEVEMENT
The tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the lawnmower.
VICTORY
Winners never fly higher than when they're bouncing up and down on the egos of those they defeat.
VISION
How can the future be so hard to predict when all of my worst fears keep coming true?
WEALTH
All I ask is for a chance to prove that money can't buy happiness.
WHINING
If you expect to score points by whining, join a European soccer team.
WINNERS
Because nothing says "you're a loser" more than owning a motivational poster about being a winner.
WISHES
When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
WORTH
Just because you're necessary doesn't mean you're important.